Last October I tried attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings to help with my eating disorder. I finally admitted to myself that I had a problem. In the first few meetings I was told by other longstanding members to give it 5-6 meetings before deciding if OA was for me. In the few times that I went I had no problem opening up and talking about my issues with the group but the problem fell when I started trying to work through the 12 steps (they use the same steps as AA) at home. Those steps are gut wrenching to say the least. I failed miserably. In just the few weeks that I participated in the steps at home I felt more sadness and anger then I had in my whole life. It was because I wasn't holding back, I was my own counselor so I didn't filter myself. I just let everything pour out and it drudged up EVERYTHING that I have been holding onto over the last 32 years. I couldn't handle it. So I quit. I stopped attending meetings and I shoved my workbooks onto the back of my bookshelf on the lowest shelf where I wouldn't have to look at them. I hadn't opened one since....until this morning. I picked up the smallest of the 3 books called "For Today" which is a small daily reading. Wouldn't you know that the reading for today slapped me right in the face.
The greatest happiness you can have is knowing
that you do not necessarily require happiness.
William Saroyan
Dissatisfaction was one of the hallmarks of my compulsive illness. Few things measured up to my expectations, so I found a way to make it up to myself. I used food to give me the illusion of happiness. What freedom there is in giving up that chase -- to go somewhere, do something without demanding that I be happy. Paradoxically, it is when I go my way with an open mind, free of expectations, that I most often find my heart singing.
For today: What do I need, if not happiness? I need the willingness to take what comes, to get out of my own way, to let go of the idea that I should feel good all the time.
Well played OA, well played.
No comments:
Post a Comment