At home therapy

I remember starting this blog with the intention of putting myself out there for the world to see if they wanted to. I didn't want to hide anymore. I didn't want to keep all of my thoughts bottled up inside and swirling around in every part of me. I failed. I let my laziness take over and I honestly forgot I had even started a blog. I've never been a blogger or been someone who needs to write in a journal. My counselor however thinks that I need to write every day. I hate that suggestion but she's the professional so I guess I should give it a thorough shot. I hardly ever sleep at night cause my thoughts won't shut off so my counselor thinks that if I journal at night then I might start sleeping again. I'd rather have meds but we'll see how this goes....

The problem with journaling is that I have it in my head that it has to make sense and that it has to sound eloquent and smart. The thoughts in my head hardly ever make sense and they are by no means eloquent in any way. My thoughts jump all over the place so I get really frustrated journaling because I have a hard time concentrating and putting my thoughts into actual sentences. J (i'm gonna use my counselors first initial from now on) says that the great thing about journaling is that it doesn't have to make sense. She says to just put fingers to keys or pen to paper and just write whatever comes to mind. That freaks me out. I'm not an organized person at all....my room is a nightmare as well as my bathroom, car, office, closet, kitchen etc. However, when it comes to a journal I have this overwhelming need to have it completely organized. My thoughts need to make perfect sense. The thought of just writing whatever comes to mind makes me want to kill puppies (of course that's just an expression).

Perhaps this perfectionist way of thinking about my thoughts is what keeps me in such a severe depression. I wonder if my depression would lift if I could just let go and say whatever and get all of the junk out of my head in some random way. Even during my counseling sessions I am very careful to plan out what i'm going to say. I'm very articulate and I sound so together but I know J sees right through me even though she doesn't call me out on it. I think she's waiting for me to call myself out on it. I am definately stuck in my head all the time and as much as I hate it I don't really ever try to truly change it. I somehow feel safe in my head. I have a way about me that is able to make myself seem completely together when I am around people who I don't consider close to me. In fact I am pretty sure that the only person in this world who actually knows the real mess that I am is my boyfriend Chris and that's only because we live together and I can't hide my crazy 24 hours a day.

There was a period of time in my life for about 2-3 years after I got divorced where I felt okay. I felt normal. I was happy. I began living outside of my head and I truly gave of myself to others. A special relationship ended during the end of that time period and when that happened I lost my friends, my sense of belonging, my support system and myself. After that I shut myself off from everyone. Since then i've never been the same. I've dealt with chronic depression since I was a young child and during that 2-3 years I just mentioned my depression disappeared completely. But after the pain and loss I went through, my depression came back and it has stayed and only gotten worse with each passing day. I miss the person I was during those few years but I don't know how to get her back. I have become an empty shell of a person. It is the most horrific feeling. I wake up each day wondering why I am still here. What's the point?

Meh. I don't really feel like writing any more right now. See this is why I don't open up and talk about what's really going on inside of me. It's a dark world that I live in. I don't like for people to see that world. Thanks J for pushing me out of my comfort zone but just know I REALLY don't like it.....at all.