July 05, 2013 11:53pm
I am restless tonight. I had a day full
of shopping, lots of walking so I should be tired out but for some
reason my brain won't shut off and my heart feels heavy. I've been
trying to listen to music to calm my soul but it's not helping like
it usually does. So next best thing....journaling. I don't know why
journaling is my last resort but it is. I put it off at all cost even
though every time I've done it before it's calmed my heart and i've
been able to move on. I don't know exactly what is on my mind tonight
but I do recognize that i'm sorta on the brink of being emotional.
I do wish that I could learn how to
truly enjoy and participate in my life. I feel like I go through the
motions of life each day but I don't feel like I truly live. I have
also had to focus on my weight issues the past few days cause i've
been going clothes shopping with my mom for our trip to Ohio. Trying
on all of those clothes and having them not fit has been hell on
earth. Each time a shirt or a pair of pants didn't fit it just felt
like someone tore my last shred of self esteem away from me. Thankfully my mom was very encouraging during both shopping trips
and if she hadn't have been there I would have come home empty handed
because I would have given up after the first store. I can't stand
looking at myself in the mirror. My weight is making me so miserable.
I know it's why i'm so angry with myself. I've let myself get to this
size and I've done it willingly. I lie to myself every single day and tell myself that my weight isn't that out of control.
Right now in counseling we are focusing on my anger. We have discovered that my anger is all directed at myself but that I take it out on those closest to me. Now i'm in the process of trying to figure exactly what is causing me to be so angry with myself. I'm gathering tonight that it's my weight gain and the fact that i've just stopped taking care of myself. I punish myself with food, I know that much but I don't know what i'm punishing myself for. It's like playing connect the dots and sometimes I feel like some of the dots are missing or at the very least hiding very well.
This particular journey of exploring my anger is one I have been putting off for over 20 years and I know it's not going to be a pleasant one. I do not want to do this but I know that if I want to have any chance at true happiness that this is something I just have to push myself through. My weight gain is just a symptom and a consequence of all this anger that i'm holding on to. My anger is my security blanket and at almost 33 years of age I no longer look cute walking around with a security blanket, especially such an ugly one.
I am gonna leave this entry with this song that keeps running through my head and it's called What I Wouldn't Give and every word in it is resonating with me so strongly as I write these feelings....
Feeling like i can't forgive but i want to
It's like i don't know how to live i'm afraid toI used to think take them as they come without hesitations
Now it's like my head is filled with lies and persuasions
As the sun begins to fall i hear her calling out to me she's saying hurry it's one more
day gone
What i wouldn't give just to forget
So i can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
I am feeling dissonant and distracted
The toxic chemicals are spilling in my head and they're bleeding deadly reactions
And as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that i'm hiding i'm hiding myself
What i wouldn't give just to forget
What i wouldn't give to get some rest
So i can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
Am i desperately losing this fight
When i should really be choosing my flight
Take me now
What i wouldn't give just to forget
What i wouldn't give to get some rest
So i can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
What i wouldn't give just to forget
What i wouldn't give to get some rest
What i wouldn't give just to forget
So i can remember how to live
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