Mirror

I wrote this post about a year ago and I just ran across it again tonight and I realized that I still feel all of these same things about myself. It's sad that in a year nothing has changed. I decided to repost it so that way it will be in the forefront of my mind....I want to work on changing these things about myself.


If someone were to ask me what object I hate the most in this world my answer would be a mirror. If they were to ask me why my answer would be because I don't like what I see when I look into it. It makes me sad that when I look at my reflection in the mirror I can't stand looking into my own eyes for more then 15 seconds. Of course I use a mirror every day because it's essential but I don't really look into it. I try to really stare into it but the tears always come. So what is it about that reflection that I hate so much? Why am I scared to look deeply into my own eyes? What am I afraid i'm going to see?

Complete insecurity. A liar. A fraud. A manipulator. Anger. Resentment. Unforgiveness. Someone who is untrustworthy. A letdown. A failure. A bad friend. A nobody. Someone who is unreliable in every way. Loneliness. Incapability. Physical ugliness. Internal ugliness. Fat. Unworthy. Addict. Unlovable. Someone completely shutdown. Restlessness. Unsatisfied. A drifter. Unambitious. Lazy. Selfish. Self involved.

These are the things that I see and that I try so hard to avoid facing every time I step in front of a mirror.

I am haunted by these words. By these feelings. The things inside of me are not pretty. No one truly knows how hard I try to mask how I really feel about myself. I have convinced myself that denying and avoiding the truth will eventually make these feelings go away but who am I kidding. These feelings will continue to destroy me until I face them head on. Everyone always says "the truth hurts" but what they should really say is that the truth kills....it rips your heart out. That's why people avoid it like the plague. Nobody likes confronting who they really are deep down inside. It's torture sometimes to face the person you really are when no one else is looking. There is no one on earth I hate being in a room with more then myself....alone. The person that I described above is not someone I desire to be. She is someone I want to rip to pieces so that the person I want so much to be can come out. Unfortunately i don't know how to rip her into enough pieces so that it's impossible to ever put those pieces back together again. I want to have to create new pieces....better pieces....to take the place of the old ones. But for some reason I always manage to find a way to put back together the pieces that I hate so much. Perhaps because I've lived with them for so long that in some twisted way they are more comfortable to live with then going through all the hardwork that it would take to create a new way of life. Trapped. I forgot to add trapped to that list of things I see. Viscious cycle.

I am pretty sure that if I were to put this out to my friends and family the majority of them will tell me that I need to ask God to change me. Give my life all over to him and let him work out these demons. And that's a nice thought and all but the thing is I've done all that. I've layed my whole life down at His feet on several occasions over the years and I've even felt happy to some degree but still at the end of the day when I looked in the mirror I still saw and felt all of those things about myself.

It's always late at night when I think about these things the most. It's why I don't sleep. I guess I just needed to put all this down in writing, just to get it out of my head....at least for tonight.